


Magic Missile-toe

by malafight



Category: Steven Universe (Cartoon)
Genre: Christmas, Christmas Special, Dungeons & Dragons 5th Edition, F/F, Hallmark Movie Bullshit but with eventual fucking, Human AU, Temporary Character Death, dnd, i didnt know that was a canonical tag lmao nice
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-12-13
Updated: 2018-12-20
Packaged: 2019-09-17 20:14:37
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 2
Words: 12,193
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16981068
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/malafight/pseuds/malafight
Summary: Christmas fic! Peridot hasn't had the best year. Her girlfriend kicked her out, she's crashing on her bestie's couch, and her other new roommate is kind of a dick. Jasper agrees to fill in for Lapis's character in the Christmas Edition Dungeons and Dragons Marathon Session that Peridot is DMing, but things... don't go so well. A begrudging kiss under the mistletoe ends not with them making up, or making out, but with the pair landed in the middle of Lethys, the universe Peridot created for their game. Now, they're racing to rescue Greatfather Winter before Midwinter's Eve, in the hopes that he can send them home. Like a Lifetime movie but without the compulsive heterosexuality and way more crass jokes and bad language.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Okay I hope to _god_ I can keep up with the pace I set for this, because it's my intention to do a chapter a day until Christmas. Which may or may not happen, since starting the 18th I don't have a day off work until Christmas Day. But! I will Do My Best. This mofo is all planned out. We're looking at 14-16 chapters depending on what divides best. Wish me luck.
> 
> If you like my flavor of Gay Ass Bullshit and want some specifically tailored to your tastes, you can find me on tumblr or pillowfort as malafight!
> 
> Thank you for reading! <3

It had been two weeks, four days, fifteen hours, and twenty-seven minutes since Lapis Lazuli had broken up with Peridot and kicked her out of their apartment.

Peridot looked at her phone. Correction: twenty-eight minutes.

She sighed, ran her hand through sleep-mussed hair, and straightened her glasses like that would make her feel more awake.

She’d been staying with Amethyst since then, with what few belongings she’d managed to rescue from her ex-girlfriend’s rage. Her best friend had offered her couch indefinitely, until Peridot could get a new place, so long as she chipped in for rent and utilities.

Finding a new place was proving difficult, what with Peridot’s credit score being piss-poor and her job the most recent in a string of shitty minimum-wage retail and food service jobs.

Her kingdom for the cash to shell out for a programming certification. She had the skills; it was the money to prove it she lacked.

Peridot shifted her hips and grunted in exasperation. She had to piss, and the bathroom door had been shut for a good twenty minutes.

She banged on the door.

“Jasper! Finish up!” she whined.

Jasper was Amethyst’s older sister… and, unfortunately, roommate. Living with Amethyst was a treat; they got on like a house on fire.

Living with Jasper, however, was another story.

She banged on the door again, yelling this time.

“Come OUT!”

It took a second, but the bathroom door opened, steam billowing out. In the middle of it was a six-foot-two latina, built like a brick shithouse, with a wet mane of bleached-blonde hair tied up in a loose knot and the characteristic pale swathes of skin that came with vitiligo marking a patchwork across her glistening skin. She was in an undershirt -- no bra yet, as Peridot took notice of the nipples she could clearly see standing at attention -- and a pair of boxers.

Jasper took the toothbrush out of her mouth and looked down at Peridot.

“I’m gay,” came her flat delivery, just a second before the door slammed shut again, leaving Peridot standing outside the bathroom, indignant and trying very hard not to think about how frustratingly hot Jasper somehow managed to be _all the god damn time._

Amethyst, who had poked her head out of her room at the commotion, just cackled, leaning against her doorframe as though she would fall out on the floor at any moment.

“She got you, Peri!”

Peridot turned bright red.

“If she’s not out in five minutes, I’m pissing in the kitchen sink!” Peridot snapped at Amethyst.

“Done it before,” Amethyst said with a dumb grin and a dismissive wave of her hand. “Just bleach it out when you’re done.”

“...Amethyst, that’s disgusting.”

Amethyst shrugged with a little _eh_ sound.

“Nature’s call can’t be ignored, dude.”

“Tell _her_ that!” Peridot gestured at the closed bathroom door. Amethyst gave another noncommittal shrug.

“Jasper do what Jasper do, boo.”

“Then I’m pissing on your bed. Move.” Peridot took a step towards Amethyst, who finally stepped out and shut her door behind her.

“Ah, fuck. I’ll get her out. Chill.”

Amethyst gave the door a hearty knock and raised her voice.

“Oi! Shit-tits! You don’t own the bathroom, get the fuck out!”

Peridot did, finally, get her chance at the bathroom, and then she was off to work.

It was a short shift today; she’d gotten the evening and weekend off for their D&D group’s Christmas party and marathon campaign. Peridot had planned an epic adventure to take all four of them through- oh, _fuck._

Peridot dropped an order of wings into the fryer -- she was working the deli half of the gas station today -- and sighed deeply.

She had planned this campaign for four PCs: Amethyst, Pearl, Garnet… _and Lapis._

And she had a sneaking suspicion that Lapis had no intention whatsoever of attending their campaign now, with her lying, cheating ex-girlfriend DMing.

(Peridot did not, had not, and would never cheat on anyone. Lapis was paranoid, jealous, and controlling, and she refused to believe that Peridot had never been anything but faithful. Really, that’s what stung the most -- after almost two years, Lapis still thought that Peridot was the type of person to stray.)

Peridot waved to the other employee working the deli -- a chubby girl with short hair -- and pointed to the back door, wordless communication that she was taking a quick break.

She went to go sit out on the stoop in the back and fished first her phone and then an e-cig out of her pocket. She took a drag -- it was just cherry flavor, no nicotine; her coworkers liked to stand around smoking after hours and she’d felt left out -- and texted Amethyst.

<Doubt Lapis is coming to our party.>

Amethyst dinged back almost immediately; she was never far from her phone.

<bitch>

Peridot laughed softly, a little grin crossing her face.

<This game’s gonna stomp you fucks without her.>

<bullshit. we got this>

<Your arrogance will be your undoing.>

<wow references dont make u sound smart they make u sound like a NERD>

<Says the nerd who caught it.>

<fuk oyu bich>

Amethyst’s playfulness was infectious, and Peridot found herself grinning broadly, for at least a little while distracted from her current situation and the soul-crushing gloom that came with it.

<You got the snacks?>

<ye tho jasp inhaled the dip>

<that WHORE> Peridot responded, but she was laughing to herself. <I’ll pick some more up on my way home.>

<bring wings> There was a brief pause, then Amethyst sent another text. <sausages 2. Tamales if there r any left>

<You’re the worst Mexican ever. Gas station tamales?>

<HALF mexican. my half white ass wants the gas station tamales so ur whole white ass better come thru> Another brief pause and Amethyst added, <aint they local anyhow>

Peridot just snorted.

<Ye. An Actual Mexican makes ‘em.>

<HA>

<STFU>

<just bring the damn tamales>

<I’ll set ‘em aside just for you. Pretend we lost ‘em.>

<ur the worst employee>

<Anything for you, darling.>

<aw> A pause, and Amethyst sent another message. <better tell P ur comin 4 her gf>

<Tell Pearl I eat ass and she better bring her A-game.>

<take me now. ill b waitin nekkid on the couch w a tamale on my puss>

<Ugh. You are BEGGING for a yeastie.>

<not the worst thing thats been there>

<You are disgusting.>

<says the ass-eater>

Peridot just snorted, but the grin on her face betrayed her mood. Amethyst really was a good friend, for all their jousting. She certainly knew how to cheer Peridot up, that was for sure.

Her phone dinged with another text from Amethyst.

<what about jasper?>

<I’m not eating Jasper’s ass.>

<ok 1st of all, thats my sister, ew. i mean the game>

Peridot blinked and just stared at her phone for a second.

<Like she’d want to sit around talking about elves and magic spells with a bunch of nerds.>

<garnets not a nerd. garnets cool>

<Nothing to say in your defense, I see.>

<hey fuck u m8 i dont gotta defend myself 2 u>

<Eh. Ask Jasper if she wants in on the nerd game, I don’t give a fuck. Otherwise I’m NPCing her and rolling rice to determine her actions.>

<ugh>

<Crit fail is “I attack the darkness.”>

<UGH> <BITCH> <FINE>

Peridot snickered at Amethyst’s exasperation and took another puff of her not-cigarette. She was under no delusion that her e-cig was anything but a poor man’s vape, but the deep breaths, at least, were relaxing.

It only took a few minutes for Amethyst to reply again.

<shes in but she says u owe her like 3 favors and hummus. the expensive stuff>

<Hummus? Really?>

<girl likes her dip, boo. get pretzels 2>

Peridot sighed and texted back.

<Fine. Tell her to roll up a character. Level 7 like the rest of you. My handbook is in the messenger bag.>

She stowed her phone and the e-cig back in her pockets and stoof, stretched, sighed. She was about to head back inside when her phone buzzed again.

<j says ur bonkers if u think shes doin all that just 4 hummus>

Peridot rolled her eyes.

<Then we’ll just give Lapis’s character amnesia. Not like she did a lot of RP in the first place.>

<tru> <she says shes game then>

Peridot sighed.

<Y’all are lucky fucks, then. See you in two hours.>

<if u forget the tamales im eatin u instead>

<How do you plan on explaining that to Pearl?>

<shit>

<See you soon, fuckface.>

<later bitchtits>

Peridot did not forget the tamales, or the wings, or the sausages. She even managed to nick a few corndogs.

Stealing food from work was not a new experience. She’d used scraps to make it to payday so many times now that she couldn’t count them up. Her boss probably knew, but Kim was forgiving and remarkably understanding for a capitalism-driven babysitter. Part-time, minimum wage didn’t go far, and the Big Boss would just be throwing it away anyhow. Long as she carried it out in a garbage bag, everyone had plausible deniability.

Peridot set the bag of loot on the folding table in their “dining room” and started unpacking it, setting aside the things she’d need to stick in the oven to keep warm for the next -- she checked her phone -- forty-five minutes, until the rest of the party showed up.

She could hear the sound of Jasper snoring out in the living room, knocked out on the tatty couch Peridot had been crashing on, with something playing quietly on the TV in the background.

For such a group of broke-ass millennials, they’d gotten lucky on the TV. Amethyst had called Peridot when they’d found it on the side of the road, one of those giant box numbers as thick as it was tall and twice as heavy. Even with Jasper’s considerable strength, it had taken all three of them to get it up the stairs and into the apartment.

Peridot grinned and, briefly, considered cranking the volume up just to startle the shit out of Jasper, but thought the better of it, in the interest of not pissing her off before the game.

Amethyst bustled out of the kitchen, accompanied by loudly-blaring Christmas music coming from the phone in her back pocket.

“Merry McFrickin’ Christmas, _dahhhling,”_ Amethyst purred as she circled the table, trailing bits of dollar-store Christmas decor in her wake.

“I still don’t get why you’re so hyped for Christmas. You’re neither Christian nor Capitalist.”

Amethyst flashed Peridot a grin.

“A holiday dedicated to free shit and eating until you pass out has no religion, Perrito.”

She winked and produced a spring of obviously plastic mistletoe, which had Peridot stepping back.

“Don’t you _dare.”_

“Just try and stop me.”

Peridot made a nasal shrieking sound and bolted away, followed closely by Amethyst making loud, theatrical smooching noises.

She scrambled through the kitchen, down the hall, and was cornered at Amethyst’s room until she turned and dove towards her, rolling with a yelp and clambering back to her feet to take off again, her protests good-natured despite her words.

This sort of thing tended to be commonplace between the two of them; they’d long ago set up a _real_ “stop it” signal, after several episodes of going too far. Peridot knew, had she called Amethyst “Sunflower,” their rowdy romp would end immediately.

As it turned out, Peridot found herself tackled behind the couch by a jingling, caroling juggernaut. She struggled and shrieked and laughed as Amethyst climbed on top of her, holding the mistletoe above her and making exaggerated kissy sounds as she closed in--

And dragged a lick up the side of Peridot’s cheek, knocking her glasses askew and eliciting a disgusted squeal as Peridot struggled beneath her.

“Nooooooooo you’re so gross! Eyuck--” Peridot spat and rubbed at her face. “ _Nasty--”_

Amethyst sat up and just laughed, still straddling Peridot.

“Merry Christmas, fuckface.”

Both of them turned their heads to look as Jasper’s head rose over the back of the couch, bleary-eyed and frowning.

“If you shits don’t keep it down, the halls ain’t the only things gonna get decked.”

“Buzzkill,” Amethyst grumbled, sticking her tongue out at Jasper.

Peridot glanced at what decorations had remained attached to Amethyst in the commotion and grabbed a cheap, sparkly ornamental ball and tossed it at Jasper with a dumb grin--

That turned into a look of awe as Jasper caught the ball and crushed it in her hand with a grin that Peridot could only describe as smug and predatory.

Jasper’s grin turned a bit goofier, but that didn’t make her any less intimidating and _stupid_ hot.

“Ho ho ho,” she said with a gruff chuckle.

“That doesn’t even make sense-” Peridot found herself saying, pulled out of her moment of attraction by Jasper’s inability to say anything properly witty, or at least apropo-

Jasper looked actually _hurt_ for a moment before tossing the cracked and crushed ornament back at them.

“I caught the damn thing in midair, the least you could do is be impressed. Brat.”

Amethyst looked from Jasper to Peridot and back, and as soon as Peridot recognized the look on her face --

“Amethyst, no. Whatever you’re planning, no.”

“I have no idea what you are referring to.”

“I know that _look.”_

Amethyst’s expression changed to indignation.

“How _dare_ you imply I am anything but fucking angelic.”

Peridot just rolled her eyes and shoved Amethyst out of the way so that she could go back to setting everything up.

Pearl arrived with a pie; Garnet brought bags of two-liter sodas in a quantity that was genuinely impressive for one person doing one trip. Amethyst practically tackled both of them, while Peridot waved. Jasper winked and grinned at Pearl, who blushed and responded with a grin of her own and a little wave, and she greeted Garnet with a fistbump.

Eating was unceremonious, even disorganized. Peridot brought out the hot food, Amethyst the plates. Pearl poked fun at Amethyst when she piled her own plate high, and Amethyst laughed and added another tamale to Pearl’s. Jasper took the entire tub of hummus and the whole bag of mini pretzels. Garnet picked up a little of everything and a whole two-liter for herself. Peridot grabbed anything sweet and, when Pearl expressed genuine worry over her health, also took a tamale.

It was, for a group of low-wage, perpetually poor young adults, a feast.

With food sorted out, everyone went to settle in to play, crowded around the coffee table, where Peridot had already set up a few large pieces of paper in case drawing was necessary. Amethyst took the couch, half draped over Pearl, and Jasper filled in the rest of it, Pearl’s slight form the only thing keeping it from being uncomfortably overcrowded with Amethyst’s size and Jasper’s bulk.

Garnet lounged in the bean bag chair from Amethyst’s room, while Peridot had fished out a canvas folding chair for herself.

“Okay,” Peridot started, looking over her notes. Everyone had their things, character sheets and dice spread everywhere. “Now, since Lapis isn’t playing any more, the role of Baahb Bobb the elven wizard will be taken over by Jasper-”

“She- she named her character Bob?” Jasper asked, squinting at her sheet. “Holy shit, she did.”

Peridot shrugged.

“She originally wanted to call her Lapis, so this is an improvement, really. At least I got her to change the spelling.” A pause. “...Jasper, did you even look at the materials-”

“Yes!” Jasper bit out, defensive, looking away in a little pout. “I just can’t read her fuckin’ handwriting.”

Peridot just. Sighed and moved on.

“Anyhow, Jasper’s taken over from Lapis, and Baahb fell in the last battle, only to be revived with no memories of anything that happened. Would everyone like to introduce themselves to her now?”

“Yo.” Amethyst raised her hand. “Cordyceps. Tiefling druid. I’m fat and purple and my horns curve back and up at the ends. The tip of my tail has a lil floof of fur on it and my teeth are like, _hella_ sharp. My hair’s cut super short and my bazongas are a gift from Chauntea herself.”

“I still don’t think you should have let her be purple,” Pearl sighed, though she didn’t seem irritated so much as resigned.

Amethyst just winked and shot her girlfriend fingerguns.

“ _Me amas,_ Pierogi.”

“Yes, but I also _amo_ adhering to in-universe rules for tiefling skin color.”

“Hey, at least I didn’t give her fur.”

“That’s because I didn’t _let you_ give her fur,” Peridot intoned.

“Details, details,” Amethyst waved her hand dismissively. “P, your turn.”

Pearl cleared her throat and straightened her back, affecting an air of regal superiority.

“I am Evangeline Primrose Carolina Ainsley, Paladin of the Light of Chauntea, sword protector of the innocent and healer of the sick and injured. I’m human, but I see no race in the grand scheme, only those in need of aid.”

“She’s like five and a half feet tall, no tits, but an ass to die for,” Amethyst interrupted to add.

“It’s all T and A with you, isn’t it,” Jasper finally spoke up.

Amethyst shot Jasper a single finger gun and a wink, grinning and clicking her tongue.

“Now you’re getting it. We’re both chaotic good. Garnet’s neutral good. Your turn, G.”

Garnet relaxed back in the beanbag chair with a satisfied sigh.

“Mopp, halfling monk. Don’t underestimate me because of my size; these fists pack a punch.”

“She also does tarot,” Amethyst added. “She pretty much, like, made herself way shorter and called it a day.”

“I see no reason to become something different if I’m already happy with who I am.”

“Yeah, but you could totally be, like, an orc, or something else big and badass.”

“But I don’t want to be an orc. I like being small and easy to throw.”

Amethyst raises her eyebrows and nodded.

“Fair enough.”

“Halfling tossing is a valid and time-honored battle tactic,” Peridot informed Jasper, who looked absolutely lost as fuck.

“Halfling…?” Jasper asked warily. Then, “For that matter… tiefling?”

Amethyst pointed to herself.

“Demon-lookin’ bitch.” Then, at Garnet. “Tiny-ass motherfucker. Like a hobbit, but like, not copyrighted by Tolkien.”

“...oh.” Jasper, to her credit, seemed to understand now.

“Did you… did you read _anything_ I gave you…” Peridot asked with a sigh. Jasper flushed and refused to make eye contact.

“I tried to! The words were just… fuckin’ tiny, okay.”

Peridot sighed and shook her head.

“Do you… at least know how combat works.”

“When it’s my turn, I roll dice to see what I do.”

“You know what? Fuck it. Close enough. Ask any questions you need as we go.”

Peridot found herself actually relieved that Jasper seemed interested in playing, despite her disinterest in actually _reading._

“Let’s goooooo,” Amethyst whined, sprawling out across Pearl and Jasper both.

“Okay,” Peridot said with a little snort. “I’ll set the scene, then.” She cleared her throat a little, glanced at her notes, and started.

“The four of you are on the road to Mountainsfoot, on a beaten path just barely free of the snow that’s falling lazily around you. A thin film of ice covers everything: trees, rocks, even the canvas top of your small wagon. Icicles hang from the trees that line the path, and in the barely-disturbed snow on either side of the road you can occasionally see animal tracks being filled in slowly by the fat, falling flakes.”

Peridot flipped a page in her notebook and gnawed idly on the top of the pen in her hand for a moment.

“The reason you’re going towards Mountainsfoot is a rumor spreading that Greatfather Winter has disappeared, and you as a party are close enough to his workshop to investigate, only a little more than a day’s ride with your wagon.”

“Greatfather Winter? Workshop? Ey, Squirt, are we going to save Santa or Christmas or someshit?” Jasper interrupted. Peridot sighed heavily.

“Jesus Christ did not _happen_ in Lethys, and therefore Christmas is not A Thing,” she said in exasperation. “It’s Candlenights and Midwinter. Are you gonna let me finish explaining the quest?”

Jasper looked aside, pouting, and Peridot continued.

“All of you have memories of Midwinters past, the gifts given to you from Greatfather Winter to bridge the gap between Harvest and Planting, to ease the danger and doldrums of the cold, hard winter. Except for Baahb, who has no real memories of anything.”

Everyone looked at Jasper, who blushed and looked away, scratching the side of her nose.

“I don’t… even understand what all this shit’s about,” she mumbled.

Pearl spoke, her back ramrod-straight and her tone prim and proper, words clipped and enunciated, but with a motherly softness to it.

“Baahb, Greatfather Winter…” she sighed. “His gifts are seen as a reward for a year lived right, and a promise for the year to come. He teaches us to be kind and generous, even to strangers.”

“Yeah,” Amethyst added laconically, her voice lower and breathier. “Eva’s right. Plus, like, free shit.”

Pearl sighed.

“Not everything is about loot, Cordy, dear.”

“Yeah but like, loot’s nice. Ask Mopp.”

Pearl looked over at Garnet who grinned and shrugged.

“Free gifts are nothing to sneeze at.”

Pearl rolled her eyes theatrically.

“Ugh! It’s like none of you have any appreciation for morality--”

“Bruh, we out here fightin’ evil just like you, we just also like free shit. Who _doesn’t?”_

Pearl sighed and deflated.

“The rumors you’ve heard,” Peridot started, once it seemed like the roleplaying had finished, “seem to say that, when towns sent their envoys to pick up their gifts, they found his workshop abandoned and trashed.”

“Yeah, let’s go investigate this bitch,” Amethyst said. Pearl nodded, as did Garnet. The three of them turned to look at Jasper.

“What say you, Baahb?” Pearl asked, that congenial, caring tone back in her voice.

“Yeah, like, we know you ain’t got the memories like we do, but…”

“N-no,” Jasper murmured, but nodded. “I’m, uh- I’m in. Let’s save Christmas, I guess.”

“The fuck is Christmas?” Amethyst said. “How hard you hit your head, B?”

Jasper started and flushed, growing defensive and snappy.

“H-hey! I’m doin’ my best here--”

Amethyst shifted and raises a sock-clad foot to tap Jasper under the chin.

“Chill, dog. We know your head’s still all funny, you’ll get it eventually.”

Pearl and Garnet nodded.

“Hm,” Peridot said, glancing from the notebook in her hands to the paper on the other side of her DM screen. “How’s everyone set up right now?”

“Mopp’s driving the cart, as per usual,” Garnet answered.

“Tiny legs,” Amethyst said, directed towards Jasper, and then continued more towards Peridot, “Cordy’s walking on the left of the cart.”

“Eva’s on the right,” Pearl added.

“I, uh. I guess I’m taking up the rear, then,” Jasper mused. Amethyst snorted, which led Jasper to flush and sputter, “Sh-shut up!! You know what I mean!!”

“Guys, Baahb’s into anal now!” Amethyst cackled.

“Like she wasn’t before,” Pearl rolled her eyes. “Look me in the eye and tell me she wasn’t a pillow princess who’d take it up either hole so long as she didn’t have to do anything herself.”

Amethyst gasped and covered her mouth, her hands completely unable to conceal the massive grin across her face.

“ _Ohhh,_ P, I cannot be _lieve--”_ Amethyst looked over at Peridot. “Was she? Dish.”

Peridot flushed bright red and looked away, very much not wanting to answer that question. Like, it was an accurate assessment, but _still--_

“Oh my _god--”_ Amethyst cackled.

“C-carrying on,” Peridot mumbled, looking away and fiddling with her notebook. “Uh, what’s everyone’s passive perception?”

“Everyone’s what now,” Jasper asked flatly.

“Passive perception is what you can notice without actively being on the lookout or anticipating something,” Garnet supplied.

Jasper made a soft little _huh_ sound and grabbed her character sheet, squinting at it and wrinkling her nose.

“Okay, and that is…” she murmured. Amethyst curled up to get a look at Jasper’s sheet, then poked her finger against the paper. “Oh. Fifteen.”

“Twelve.” Pearl.

“Twelve, too.” Amethyst.

“Nine.” Garnet.

“Everything sounds perfectly normal and unassuming,” Peridot says. “It’s a nice, pleasant walk in the woods.”

“...yeah, I’m gonna roll perception,” Amethyst said, voice flat.

“Metagaming,” Peridot shot back with a frown.

“Too late. I’m rolling.” Amethyst dropped a die on the table. “What’s that say, Pearl?”

“Eight.”

Peridot sighed.

“What’s your modifier?”

“Plus five.”

“Yeah, it’s a nice walk.”

“P, roll.”

“I’m not metagaming like you--”

“C’mon.”

Pearl sighed and rolled her own die.

“...two.”

“You’re pretty sure you have feet.”

Amethyst snorted and started laughing.

“G-Squad, you try.”

“Natural twenty.”

Peridot deflated, dragging her hand down her face.

“You perceive the _shit_ out of everything. You’re pretty sure you can hear squirrels fucking in a tree off to your right.” She ran her finger down the page and tapped idly. “You hear the sound of something big in front of you, growling and snarling and getting closer, until you realize that you’re hearing not one, but _two_ very large Somethings approaching very quickly.”

“Everyone, on your guard,” Garnet said, certainty in her voice. “Trouble’s coming.”

“The horses start acting skittish. Do you stop the wagon?”

“Yes,” Garnet says, “Though I use my animal handling to keep them calm.”

“Roll-”

“Eighteen.”

“Jesus, okay, you give the horses weed and they chill the fuck out.”

“I draw my sword and shield,” Pearl said.

“I pull my staff off my back,” Amethyst added.

Peridot looked at Jasper expectantly, only to see her look away grumpily for a moment, heave a huffy sigh, and then squint down at her character sheet.

“I… what weapon do I… a staff? That’s it? Fuck it, I pull out my staff and get ready to beat a motherfucker.”

“You’re a caster, sis,” Amethyst said. Jasper narrowed her eyes at her.

“Did I stutter.”

Amethyst snorted and shook her head.

“Aight, you do you,” she said with an idle wave of her hand.

“Mh. As you all ready for battle, you see, rushing towards you through the drifting snow, a pair of hulking, four-legged figures. They’re doglike, bigger than the horses by half at least, but their legs are too long and thin, their bodies gaunt, their muzzles slender and sloping and full of needle-sharp teeth, bared as they snarl and gallop towards you. They’re pale blue with sparkling spines of ice jutting from their shoulders and backs, and they’re closing the distance in long, loping strides. Everyone roll me, uh, either Nature or Arcana, your choice.”

Pearl: Arcana, six. Garnet: Nature, four. Jasper, for once not needing goading, Arcana -- twelve. Amethyst: Nature, sixteen.

“Baahb, Cordyceps, they two of you recognize these beasts as chillhounds, elemental monsters summoned by a skilled magic-user that take on the attributes of the season they’re formed in.”

“Yo, those’re chillhounds,” Amethyst said, voice slightly raised like she actually needed to do so to be heard. “They look pretty pissed.”

“They do look that way, yes,” Peridot said, looking up at the gathered players over her Dungeon Master’s screen. “They finish closing the gap and are sixty feet from you and closing fast. Everyone roll initiative.”

“Hey, Jasp, you remember what I tolja about fightin’ shit, right?” Amethyst asked, looking up at her sister.

“Yeah?” Jasper said, looking almost insulted. “Initiative is how you figure out who goes first. Hit the other guy. Keep my Hit Points above zero while lowering the other guy’s Hit Points to zero. It’s not rocket science.”

“That’s my genius sister.”

“Can I shoot fire at Amethyst?”

“I mean,” Peridot squinted over at Jasper, unsure of whether she was kidding. “Like, you _could…”_

Jasper let out a hearty laugh.

“Nah, I’m just fuckin’ with you.”

Peridot breathed out a relieved sigh, grateful that Jasper’s first act ingame was _not_ friendly fire.

“Okay, initiative. Go.”

Pearl: Seven.

Garnet: Fourteen.

Jasper: Eleven.

Amethyst: Ten.

Peridot took down the numbers and wrote their names in numerical order on a small dry-erase board, adding “Griffin” between Garnet and Jasper, and “Matt” at the very end.

“Who the fuck are--” Jasper started. It was Pearl who interrupted her.

“She names NPCs if there are more than one of the same type.”

“...okay,” Jasper said, eyebrow raised. Peridot could feel her cheeks burning as she hid her face behind her screen.

“Garnet, go.”

“I dismount from the wagon with an acrobatic flip. Seventeen.”

“You didn’t have to- okay, you land with a flourish to silently thunderous applause from an audience that doesn’t exist. Is that your turn?”

“No. I spend a Ki point to dash towards the nearest chillhound.”

“Mhm,” Peridot murmured as she made a note on a scratch sheet of paper. “You’re about ten feet from Griffin and… oh, would you look at that, it’s his turn.” She glanced over her notes. “He’s gonna leap towards you and try to snap his jaws down on your tiny halfling body. What’s, uh…” Peridot rolled her own die. “Twenty-one versus your AC?”

“That’s a hit,” Garnet said, solemn.

“Okay, uh, this massive chillhound snaps his jaws closed on your shoulder, sinking needle-sharp teeth into your flesh, for… ten points of damage.” She heard the little hiss of dismay that came from Pearl before she spoke.

“Mopp! Get back here!” Pearl said, worry in her voice. Peridot saw Jasper look over at her, confusion written on her face.

“Mopp, roll me a CON save.”

“...nine.”

“Yeah, no. Take--” Peridot rolled a four-sided die. “Another three points of Frost damage as the wound from the dog’s teeth starts showing immediate signs of frostbite.”

She looked up as Pearl snorted and covered her soft laughter with one hand, Peridot’s cheeks tinting with pride as she realized Pearl, at least, picked up on that shitty pun.

“That, uh- that’s his turn. Jas- er, Baahb?”

Jasper wrinkled her nose and frowned thoughtfully.

“Can I run up to one of them and beat it with my stick.”

“I--” Peridot stopped and sighed. “Jasper, you know you’re supposed to cast spells, right?”

“Yeah,” intoned Jasper, “But I wanna hit it with a stick.”

“They’re bigger than a horse.”

“So?”

Peridot deflated.

“Your speed’s only thirty, so to reach the chillhounds sixty feet away, you’d need to use both your actions. You wouldn’t be able to attack this turn.”

“Fuck it, I guess I’m doing that, then.”

“Jas- Baahb!” Pearl started, “That would put you right in its path! You saw what it did to Mopp--”

“I have like ninety-two health point hit things, I’ll be fine!”

“Sis. You’re a level seven wizard. That’s _twenty-nine_ HP.”

Jasper looked at her sheet, squinting a bit, and Peridot saw her move her finger to roughly where the hit points would be.

“...fuck.”

“You still gonna run at it and play whack-a-mole, Baahb?” Peridot asked, a dumb grin on her face.

“...no,” Jasper said after a moment. Peridot found herself actually surprised, sure that Jasper was just going to double down. “I’ll move thirty feet towards them and throw my staff at the one that bit Garnet.”

Peridot just. Sighed. Across the table, she heard a groan from Pearl and a snorting giggle from Amethyst, and a quick glanced told her Garnet was grinning, too.

“Sis. Jasp. Darling. Dear. Dumbshit. You’re a _wizard._ Cast a _spell.”_

Jasper flushed and looked positively offended, though to Peridot it seemed like she was just a very large kitten puffed up and playing tiger.

“I don’t know--” Jasper started with a snarl, but deflated quickly as her words grew more mumbled and unsure. “...what I… can…”

“I gave you the book to look at, clod!” Peridot groaned. “The spells are in there! You _can_ read, right?!”

Jasper’s eyes flashed and and anger reappeared, this time hotted and intimidating.

“Of course I can read! It’s not my fault the letters are goddamn _tiny!!”_

“Get some glasses, then!” Peridot snapped.

“Yo, Peri,” Amethyst said. For once, her tone was serious. “Glasses ain’t gonna fix it.”

Peridot flushed and furrowed her brow, confused, while Amethyst shifted to get a better look at Jasper.

“You want me to get your Eyelighter thing?”

“No!” Jasper snapped. Amethyst looked hurt, but just for a half of a heartbeat. “Just- I’ll just shoot a goddamn fireball at it, for fucksake.”

Peridot sighed. Finally, some actual attempts at playing.

“Firebolt is a cantrip -- you can use it however many times you like, since house rules are that we don’t need materials to cast. Also, you don’t need to prepare any spells, you have access to all of--”

Jasper held up a hand.

“One thing at a time, pipsqueak. What do I roll.”

“D20. The twenty-sided one. Add your spellcasting modifier and tell me what you get.”

“Eighteen.”

“Yeah, that hits. Okay, damage at level seven is 2d10, so roll me those two and tell me what you get.”

There was the _tak… tak_ of a die being rolled twice as Peridot grabbed a bite of food off her plate.

“Twenty-three.”

Peridot moved to make a note of the damage, but stopped abruptly.

“Jasper, that’s mathematically impossible. Did you use the ten-sided one?”

“No, the twenty. I wanted to do more damage.”

Peridot just. Looked at Jasper. And Jasper just grinned knowingly back at her. Peridot was a good eighty percent certain that Jasper was fucking with her.

“Jasper, I know you know that’s not how it works.”

“What? I can’t hear you over the sound of how stupid I am.”

“Hey, let’s calm down--” Pearl started, hands out like she was ready to spring up and separate Jasper and Peridot at the drop of a hat despite having her girlfriend’s head in her lap.

“I am calm!” Jasper and Peridot both snapped at the same time. Then they looked at each other, and for a moment Peridot wasn’t sure how to feel, but then she was practically snarling again.

“I should have just edited the campaign for three instead of inviting a clod who won’t even read the basics!”

“I wouldn’t have agreed to _help_ you if I’d known you were gonna be a brat about it!” Jasper stood and snapped at Peridot, knocking Amethyst’s feet to the floor on her way up.

“I’m not being a brat! We’re on the first turn of the first encounter and you’re already fucking everything up!” At this point, Peridot was on her feet, as well.

“This is my first time playing, shithead! Be patient!”

“I ran out of patience when you were gonna play goddamn _fetch_ with the monster!”

“Whoa!” Amethyst scrambled to her feet, elbowing Pearl a bit as she did so. “Fuckin chill, both of you!” Amethyst looked at Jasper. “You. I know you don’t like readin’ shit, but if you weren’t gonna at least try, you shoulda _told me_ so I’d be able to give you a rundown.”

Peridot felt briefly smug and crossed her arms, but that disappeared as Amethyst turned to her.

“And _you,_ Peri, should be more fuckin’ patient! We were all new at this once, and Jasp didn’t have more’n a few hours heads up!”

Peridot frowned and looked away, cowed.

“Now both of y’all, go stand in the doorway to the kitchen.”

“Wait, what?” Peridot’s gaze snapped right back to Amethyst, and Jasper seemed to be just as confused.

“Just fuckin do it! Both of you! Now!”

Jasper was the first one to obey, grumbling, but Peridot followed behind her with a sigh.

Getting Jasper’s height and bulk into the doorway with room for Peridot as well proved difficult, but once they were both in there -- too uncomfortably for Peridot to even enjoy being so close to Jasper -- Peridot felt Jasper tense up even more, and when she looked up, she realized why.

They were both underneath the sprig of fake plastic mistletoe.

“Amethyst!!”

“Now kiss, bitches. Kiss and make up, I ain’t dealin’ with your asses ruining my weekend.”

Peridot groaned; Jasper sighed.

“Consider this your Christmas gift,” Jasper taunted.

“Hope you’ve got a receipt, because I don’t want it,” Peridot sneered back.

Jasper had to bend down to land a peck on Peridot’s lips, and Peridot was ready for it to be over -- but as soon as she felt soft, full lips on hers, she also felt like she’d been kicked in the face.

Everything went melty and tingly and spinny for a few seconds, Jasper’s face swimming in front of her, and then everything went dark and silent.

Peridot woke up cold.

Okay, cold wasn’t uncommon for her -- she was cold-natured and mildly anemic, so waking up cold happened sometimes.

Cold and _wet,_ however, was not normal. Her whole back was soaked, and her mattress was uncomfortably hard, and she was immediately fighting the urge to curl up under whatever blanket she could find.

When she opened her eyes, it was to a dreary gray sky and lazily-drifting snowflakes.

She blinked.

When had she gone outside? Everything was still a little fuzzy--

Jasper’s face came into view -- well, someone who seemed nearly identical to her, but with long, pointed ears, who was wearing some kind of LARPing-level tunic and cape.

“Yo, tiny. You’re awake.”

Okay, yeah, it was Jasper.

Peridot frowned and furrowed her brow.

“I’m _not_ tiny!” she snapped, struggling to push herself upright in the snow.

When she made it to her feet, though, she found herself roughly hip-height to Jasper.

“Holy shit, you’re _huge--”_ she said, immediately looking away from Jasper’s Crotch.

“No, I’m normal-sized. _You’re just tiny.”_ Jasper reached down to grab Peridot under her arms with both hands, the warmth making her shiver inside, just a bit, and the realization of just _how much area_ Jasper’s massive hands were covering was not helping.

And Jasper lifted her effortlessly.

Peridot squeaked and kicked her legs, squirming and grabbing Jasper’s forearms like her life depended on it.

“What the fuck! Put me down!! Jasper ! What the _fuck--!!”_

Jasper lowered her back onto the ground and released her, leaving Peridot alone to regain her balance and look down at herself.

She _was_ tiny. She was in all the right proportions -- slightly plump, but clearly an adult, so being somehow turned into a child was out of the question--

Wait, what? Why was her first thought for an explanation _magic?_

...Occam’s Razor, really. The simplest answer is often the most correct. She was either freshly snapped out of a lifelong delusion, or self-aware in a new one… or, magic.

And, frankly, she preferred the idea of magic over the idea of being off her rocker.

So, she’d been magically changed into… something. Still very human-looking, just… small.

Jasper’s pointed ears sprang to mind and she made a shocked hiccuping sound.

“I’m a goddamn _halfling?!”_

“Yeah, I think I might be an elf,” Jasper responded. She reached up and touched her long, pointed ears. “D’you think there are like, ear socks or something around here? Because it’s fucking cold, and these antennas are gonna freeze and fall off.”

“Antennae,” Peridot corrected with an absent murmur. Her thoughts were not _really_ on Jasper’s piss-poor pluralization, and she only vaguely registered Jasper’s _“Whatever.”_ Instead, she was looking at her gloved hands. Green cool covered tiny fingers, the fabric rough and rustic, nothing fancy -- just functional.

She was a halfling. Jasper was an elf. They were in _some_ sort of fantasy setting, weren’t they? They had to be--

Before she could even really _process_ everything to any useful degree, she heard the bone-chilling sound of a howl not far off. And another, soon after.

Closer.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jasper and Peridot learn the ropes and go looking for help. Any help. Someone please help these idiots.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> okay so every day didnt work out and this isnt gonna get finished in time for christmas but this is the second 5k+ word chapter so like... lmao. also, there are mentions of bodily functions in this because peridot has a filthy mouth
> 
> you know the drill, you know where to find me! ;3c

“Run.”

“What?” Jasper asked. Peridot repeated herself.

“Run, clod! Didn’t you hear those howls?” She pointed in the direction she’d heard them coming from. “Something big is coming this way, and I’m not standing around to wait and see if it’s friendly. Either you’re running with me, or you’re one more obstacle between me and whatever that is, and I don’t care which is which.”

And then she took off in the opposite direction.

She had the sudden realization that she was running like she normally, did, but not covering as much ground.

Tiny legs.

Peridot grunted and leaned forward some, pushing her body to its limit and trying to urge herself faster and faster, hot breath puffing out in tiny clouds of ice crystals and great heavy gasps of frigid air chilling her chest.

She didn’t look back. Jasper was not her problem.

Trees moved past her in a blur as she ran, the sound of howling growing closer, briefly, before ceasing.

She didn’t stop running -- and it was a good thing, too, because the howls started again, shortly afterwards, started gaining again--

Howls became growls and snarls pursuing her, closer and closer, her unfamiliar legs pumping to their limit, but not fast enough to keep her ahead of whatever was after her.

A voice in her head kept repeating  _ don’t look back, don’t look back, don’t look back. _

She didn’t listen.

As the snarls grew louder, closer, her sheer terror was overcome by the overwhelming  _ need _ to see what was after her. She looked over her shoulder--

And what she saw shocked her so badly she stumbled.

She hit the icy ground in a tangle of limbs and rough green cloak, impact driving the wind from her chest.

Chillhounds.

A pair of them, massive, loping after her effortlessly.

Just as she’d imagined when creating them.

As tall as they were, they were gaunt, almost brittle-looking, like the bare, dead branches of the trees above them. Their fur was the pale blue of clean snow, the light in ice, a crisp winter morning--

What of it wasn’t slathered in red.

Peridot couldn’t feel her heartbeat any more, just the constant hum of terror vibrating through her veins. She tried to climb back to her feet, but lost her balance, slipping in her fear and falling on shaking hands.

She scrambled across the icy ground on her hands and knees, just trying to keep moving  _ away _ from the beasts, trying to push herself up with trembling arms to run on shaking legs, only to fall again, yelping in pain and fear. She could feel the air cold on her face, the brief warmth of shed tears before they coursed icy and desperate down her cheeks.

Something barreled into her from behind and she was flailing ass-over-teakettle, bouncing along the snowy road until coming to stop in a shivering heap.

She turned over, shaking and sobbing, something deep within her wanting to at least  _ face _ her pursuers--

The cillhounds came to a stop, towering over her and panting. Unlike her own rapid, desperate breaths, theirs were not accompanied by puffs of crystal clouds.

She tried to shove herself backwards, only able to make desperate shrieking sounds, almost paralyzed by her terror.

One of the hounds circled behind the other, the one advancing on her--

She didn’t want to be here.

The chillhound stalked forward, head lowered, needle-sharp teeth bared, and some part of her mind dully registered the red again, smears of dark crimson on its nearly-skeletal muzzle, the color of blood, but not dripping, not slick, not wet, but crystallized, spikes and tiny peaks of glistening scarlet drips frozen before they fell covering its mouth and jaw, neck, chest, the flashing icicle-like teeth, the curled tongue--

She only got a few moments to register the massive beast looming over her before it snapped its jaws and lunged--she raised her arms in a last-ditch attempt to protect herself but let out a shriek as pain lanced through her whole body, the monster’s teeth sinking into the meat of her arms and wrenching them aside--

Spindly teeth, stronger than they looked, crushed her throat, and her breath left her in a pained gurgle.

Peridot woke up cold.

Her eyes snapped open and she gasped in a breath thankfully unhindered by crushing teeth.

She sat up, panting, looking around her, wild-eyed and terrified, confused, lost--

Jasper was sitting up nearby, dumbly patting at her chest and belly, dazed and clearly upset as well. She looked over at Peridot and her eyes widened.

“Did you just die, too?” she asked.

“Yeah, think so,” Peridot murmured. She gave Jasper a weak smile. “Guess we got better?”

Jasper seemed to start a bit, then laughed and shook her head.

“Damn things ripped my guts out and here you are saying we got better.” She looked down at herself. “I mean, you’re not…  _ wrong…” _

Peridot rubbed at her throat. She could still feel those last few seconds as her life ebbed out of her, and it was not an experience she was too keen on repeating.

“This isn’t a dream, is it?” she asked Jasper. “Like, this is actually happening. We actually just died. That’s a thing that actually happened.”

Jasper pushed herself to her feet with a groan and shook unmelted snow from her clothing. Peridot actually got a good look at what she was wearing, this time: deep red tunic, black breeches, tanned leather boots that reached up to her knees, a thick, broad belt wrapped around her stocky belly over the tunic, and a long, dark teal hooded cape.

Plus those long-ass ears sticking out from her mane of pale hair. There was that, too.

“Think so. I mean, it’s either that or a shared delusion. Occam’s Razor and all that, yeah?” Jasper asked, offering Peridot her hand to help her up, which she actually took and stood.

“How’d you know about Occam’s Razor?” she asked, mildly impressed that the big lug seemed to know more than she let on.

“I’m dyslexic, not stupid,” Jasper grumped, crossing her arms and looking away with a frown. Peridot’s eyebrows rose, and suddenly things made sense.

“You didn’t tell me-”

“Because I don’t gotta share my shit with everyone who comes through the door, brat. You tell anyone and I’ll break your legs.”

Peridot stepped back warily, suddenly very aware of just  _ how much _ bigger than her Jasper had ended up.

She only got a moment to let it sink in before that bone-chilling howl rose from the woods.

“Aw, fuck-” she cursed. She looked around wildly.

“Gonna take your running idea from before,” Jasper grunted. “You with me?”

Peridot nodded, but as she moved to take off down the road, Jasper grabbed her arm.

“No, off the road. They’re big; they might not fit through the trees. We will.”

Peridot wanted to make a “what’s all this ‘we’ shit” comment, but she had to admit--Jasper’s reasoning was solid. She nodded.

“Try to keep up,” Jasper growled, before looking around the woods on either side and dashing through a gap between the trees just barely big enough for her to fit. Peridot followed.

If she wasn’t running for her life, she’d appreciate Jasper’s athleticism more. She’d probably be more impressed with Jasper’s ducking and weaving and jumping obstacles if she wasn’t pumping her own frustratingly short legs in a vain attempt to keep up with the much-taller Jasper.

She fell behind, panting raggedly already, and she realized after a moment that, while the howls had stopped, they’d been replaced by thunderous crashing and the sounds of icy underbrush snapping under pressure.

Distraction made her stumble and come down hard on her ankle, letting out a pained yelp as it twisted beneath her and dumped her on the ground again, and the realization that she was going to die  _ again _ made her chest hurt even more than her ankle did.

She turned to face where she knew the chillhounds were following and sobbed softly, but her mind was going a mile a minute as she tried to think of  _ some _ way she might be able to escape this--

A sudden surge of hot anger took her, the tears in her eyes turning into tears of rage as the pair of chillhounds barreled into view, knocking aside good-sized trees and underbrush as they pursued them both- though- where had Jasper gone--

The heat of rage flared higher and Peridot sat up straighter and started to  _ yell _ at the closest chillhound.

“Get fucked! You mongrels don’t have a brain cell between you! Can’t even find your own assholes to lick ‘em!!”

She blinked in astonishment as the chillhound in front stopped with a whimper, pointed ears folded back as it shook its head, a momentary pause that let the second chillhound overtake the first, loping towards Peridot with no acknowledgement of her insults.

Peridot was too shocked at the way she’d felt  _ power _ flow through her as she hurled those insults to do anything else just yet.

That had been magic, hadn’t it? She’d cast a spell.

And suddenly she realized what spell it had to have been: Vicious Mockery.

She was a bard.

The realization that she  _ wasn’t _ completely powerless hit her like a brick. And then the chillhound hit her, harder.

Her moment of triumph was cut short with her own keening cry of pain as the beast’s icy claws and gnashing teeth shredded cloth, then flesh, then viscera, and Peridot felt nothing but searing, all-encompassing pain, and then just… nothing.

Peridot woke up cold.

There were tears in her eyes as she sat up, and she found herself crying, bawling as if her body wasn’t even completely in her control, driven by the singular need to sob in great heaving breaths, and then Jasper was over her--and then sitting beside her with a heavy thump.

“Got you good that time, huh?” she asked. Peridot nodded, not even overly  _ upset, _ even, just-  _ overcome. _ “Yeah, they snapped my neck that time, I think. Probably on their way back here now.”

“Y-yeah,” Peridot sniffled, scrubbing at her eyes with her sleeve. “S-seems like a- a loop th-that, uh, resets- when we die--”

Jasper sighed.

“Great. We’re in Hell. And I’m stuck with you.”

“No--” Peridot said, like she’d only just gotten to connect the dots. “I think we’re in Lethys.” A pause; Jasper looked confused, so she explained further. “My world, ish. A homebrew version of Faerun with some original gods and monsters added.” She rubbed her belly in absent motions. “I think… I’m a bard. I cast a spell.”

Jasper was looking at her like she was insane, and Peridot hiccupped and flushed at how silly it sounded when she said it out loud.

But then Jasper’s expression turned to understanding, and then a lopsided grin.

“So we can fight them.”

“What? No!!” Peridot squeaked, her voice still quivery from her crying. “We need to- we should be running already--”

Jasper let out a huffy laugh.

“Because that worked  _ so _ goddamn well the last two times. I’m gonna try to fight again. You’ve got spells. I’ve got skills. I’ll punch a bigass dog thing, I don’t give a fuck.”

“Again?” Peridot asked.

“Tried to take ‘em the first time, too, because I’m not a fuckin’ coward.”

Peridot rolled her eyes.

“Like it’ll make any difference--”

Jasper shushed her and looked towards the direction they knew the chillhounds would be coming from, just before their howls rose on the icy wind, and then Jasper was standing and looking frantically at the forest around them before pointing at the tallest, sturdiest tree in range.

“Get up that. I’ll give you a boost. You get high enough they can’t reach you, and- I dunno. Shoot fireballs at ‘em.”

“Bards don’t-”

“Less talking, more getting your ass in the tree-ing.”

Peridot yelped as Jasper pulled her to her feet, and then higher, Jasper lugging her over to the lower branches of the tree without even giving her a chance to touch the ground for more than a moment or two.

She grabbed a branch and pulled herself up, steadying herself against the trunk, then looked at Jasper.

“Get climbin’, squirt.”

“What about you--”

“I’ll give ‘em the run-around or somethin’ while you’re castin’ shit. I don’t like heights.”

“They’re huge! They’ll eat you alive!”

Jasper gave a little  _ heh _ and wrenched a branch off the tree, hefting it onto her shoulder.

“Then I’ll tear ‘em apart from the inside!”

And then Jasper turned and took up her position in the middle of the road, thick snow-covered branch held like a club, and it took Peridot a few moments to remember she had a task to get on with herself, what with the rush of heat Jasper’s words--or, rather, the threat and conviction behind them--had sent through her.

Climbing was difficult with a halfling’s short legs and stubby fingers. But, by the time the chillhounds broke into view, she was high enough she had to have been out of reach, shivering from cold and exertion and the fear that accompanied the realization of just  _ how far away _ the ground was.

Her mind was going a mile a minute as she tried to remember anything she might be able to do. There was Vicious Mockery, but she didn’t have  _ all _ the bard skills memorized, and didn’t know what she could even  _ do- _ and combat moved so much  _ faster _ than it did around the table--

The chillhounds closed in, and she had to do  _ something-- _

Faerie Fire could give Jasper advantage, but Peridot wouldn’t be able to cast anything else if she wanted to keep it up. Did they have a high enough INT score for Hideous Laughter to work? Vicious Mockery was just damage, wasn’t it- no, wait, it also imposed disadvantage- though whether giving Jasper advantage or a chillhound disadvantage would depend on who would be attacking first--

The chillhounds had to be faster, Jasper was just waiting for them like she was a bat, so Vicious-

And then Jasper leaped forward to close the distance and Peridot cursed, having to change spells, snatching the first thought she could to throw out the spell, since bard casting all had auditory components--

“MotherFUCKER!”

The chillhounds both flared up with a green light, wreathed in dancing emerald flames as her Faerie Fire took effect, and both the chillhounds and Jasper pulled up short at the sudden flash of light.

“Fucking attack!” Peridot snapped. “Can’t hold this forever!!”

She watched as Jasper leaped forward again and swept the club underhanded to connect with the nearest chillhound’s jaw in a fierce blow that sent it reeling backwards with a whimper. The other lunged in, but Jasper spun away with a lightness of foot that was honestly fucking impressive, which reminded Peridot that Jasper  _ was _ a ring fighter, on the weekends, MMA, and maybe they’d stand a chance after all--

Peridot shifted and cursed as she nearly lost her balance, concentration breaking and the Faerie Fire dying down--

Another curse as she realized just how  _ annoying _ that was going to be, but then she was whistling,loud and shrill, and the chillhounds both looked up at her.

Good.

“You bitches look like frozen shit! Big-ass turds with sticks in ‘em! Lick my taint ya frigid idiots!!”

One of the chillhounds -- the one Jasper had laid out -- was whimpering and whining, and it seemed more interested in snapping at  _ her, _ but the other made a beeline for the tree, stretching up towards Peridot, snapping and snarling and hopping up beneath her, closing icy teeth on air just a food or two under Peridot’s tiny, dangling feet, and her breath left her momentarily at the realization of just how close to yet another painful death she was--

“Oi, shitlips, cast something!” Jasper yelled from the road, where she was wrestling with her chillhound and trying to yank her branch free of its jaws. Peridot yelped and looked from one of the dogs to the other, mind racing, trying to connect the dots and come to some kind of conclusion-

Peridot  _ shrieked _ as the hound beneath her slammed into the trunk and she lost her grip--

Only to cling, limpet-like and upside-down, to the branch she’d been on, whimpering and shivery, eyes closed, able to feel the chillhound’s jaws snapping just beneath her--

“F-FUCK OFF!!” she screamed, and then the shaking on the tree stopped, the snapping stopped, and she opened her eyes to see one of the chillhounds streaking its way down the road, past Jasper, away, with loping strides and its whiplike tail tucked between its legs.

She let out a shaky breath.

“Less shrieking, more helping me!” Jasper snapped. Peridot looked at her and snapped back.

“I’m doing my best, asshole!!”

Jasper gave a pained yelp, and Peridot realized that she may have accidentally cast Vicious Mockery on her companion instead. Whoops.

Jasper was still grappling with the chillhound once Peridot managed to right herself on the branch once more. Peridot was panting with the exertion, unused to this sort of physical activity, her breath puffing out in tiny clouds.

“Hey, you inbred mutt! You! You’re too goddamn stupid to shit!”

“You better mean the dog!”

“Of course I mean the dog!!”

“Stop insulting it and do something!!”

“I’m a fucking bard! Insulting it  _ is _ how I do something!!”

Jasper made a loud “ _ Ugh!” _ sound and threw the chillhound backwards with a force that shocked the hell out of Peridot. It looked, for a moment, like Jasper was getting the upper hand, but then the chillhound crashed forward and snapped its jaws closed on her shoulder, eliciting a gruff, pained curse from Jasper, and the club fell heavily to the snowy road.

Peridot leaned forward, about to cast whatever spell left her body, but stopped abruptly--

A gout of flame shot from Jasper’s other hand and burst against the chillhound’s chest, and the beat gave a great wail of pain as it went clear through, melting out between its shoulder blades, flames licking the icy air for another moment or two as the chillhound melted outwards, whining and wailing as it dripped into a pathetic puddle in the snow, until that was all that was left, a wide, icy slick in front of a panting and bloody Jasper.

Jasper was looking at her hand blankly, like it hadn’t quite registered--but then Peridot saw her raise her hand, yell “I shot fire!!” and then yelp in pain and grab her bloody shoulder.

Peridot collapsed forward on the branch with a relieved sigh. Thank fuck. Jasper was a goddamn wizard, and it looked like those chillhounds were still vulnerable to fire. A twofer.

She looked out over the road and saw what looked like a pile of junk leaned against a tree, with a light dusting of snow on it, but not enough to disguise the fact that it was definitely man-made. Or… humanoid-made?

Peridot leaned in and was about to start going down the tree when she actually looked at the ground and was reminded of how far away it was. She wrapped around the branch again.

“Jasper. Come get me down.”

“Little busy bleeding,” she grunted from where she’d sat down in the middle of the road.

Shit.

Right.

If Jasper was a wizard, that meant that Peridot was their only healer. That and the giant kamikaze idiot had a hit point pool that couldn’t drown a toddler if they worked together at it.

Fucking great.

Peridot looked down at the ground, then squeezed her eyes shut with a whimper. Right. Spells. She had magic. How many spell slots had she burned in that fight? How many did she  _ have-- _ fuck, what level were they- did levels exist in this version of the universe? Did spell slots?

Okay, logic. Logic. She’d cast Fear, which was a third-level spell, meaning she was at least… level five. Which gave her four level-one spells, one of which she’d burned for Faerie Fire in that fight, which left her three spell slots for that level, enough for--

“Featherfall,” she mumbled, eyes still closed, and let herself fall off the branch.

It was a strange, dizzying sensation, not falling at her usual speed. She floated to the ground and landed in the snow with a soft thump, only then venturing to open her eyes. She sighed. It had worked. Thank fuck. That could have ended… badly.

“Little help?” Jasper grunted again. Peridot looked up; Jasper had a hand pressed to her shoulder as if that would help stem the flow of blood seeping from it. Her normally-darker face was pale.

Right. Healing.

She scrambled to her feet and ran over to Jasper, hands already starting to glow with her Cure Wounds spell.

“If you’re a wizard, you can’t take a hit for beans,” Peridot griped as she tugged Jasper’s hand away and pressed her own to the bleeding wound. “No more grappling with chillhounds.”

“Like I had a choice in the matter,” Jasper growled.

“It was  _ your plan,” _ Peridot responded, voice flat.

“Yeah but I didn’t  _ make _ the dog fight me.”

“You. You literally did. You ran at it.”

“It was running at me first!!”

Peridot just sighed. It was like arguing with a child, wasn’t it? A very large child that could life her one-handed and wrap her big warm hands over almost all of her torso and oh goddammit now was not the  _ time, _ pussy,  _ seriously. _

Jasper rolled her shoulder with a grunt as the light around Peridot’s hands faded. Peridot squinted at the torn and bloody fabric and briefly considered using Mending and Prestidigitation to clean it, but discarded the thought. Nope. Yes, they were cantrips, and she could technically do them as often as she wanted to. The point in question was that she  _ didn’t _ want to.

Without waiting for Jasper to say anything else, Peridot wandered over to the pile of things she had seen from up in the tree. She wiped the snow from it and started sorting through the components.

Backpack. Bigger backpack. Bedroll. Another bedroll. What seemed to be a tent. A staff, plan wood, but sturdy. A sheathed dirk with a pale green gemstone in the pommel.

Peridot settled onto the ground to sift through the smaller bag. It seemed more halfling-sized and would be easier for her to carry.

She found rations, thick heavy blocks of cheese and dense bars of something not quite bread but not quite cake, strips of dried and salted meat, dried fruits -- trail food. She also pulled out a length of rope, a small knife in a sheath, and a leather-bound book the size of- well, it would have been the size of her hand if she was her  _ normal _ size, but as it stood, it was a bit bigger.

The front had words pressed into the leather: Player’s Handbook.

“Great,” Peridot sighed. She wasn’t sure she was relieved quite yet.

She started flipping through the pages and realized that her wariness was justified -- the pages were blank. She frowned and was ready to snap the book shut and toss it away when ink started to fade in.

_ Peridot Keil _

_ Level 7 Halfling Bard _

_ [52/52] _

...oh.

She turned the pages and the ink faded in to show what spell slots she had used and had left.

The next page started a list of her spells.

A grin spread across her face and she started to snicker. At least she knew they still used spell slots--

Further skimming showed that, as a bard in the College of Lore, she could pick up some spells from other caster classes -- they were already chosen for her, but at least they were  _ good _ choices. She apparently had Revivify and Sacred Flame from this, and Sacred Flame’s 2d8 damage meant she wasn’t relegated to Vicious Mockery’s 2d4 damage.

But Vicious Mockery was just so much  _ fun… _

To everything its time, she supposed.

“Next time we fight bigass ice dogs, you actually try to do something,” Jasper growled as she came up behind Peridot, circling around to the other side of the pile.

“Excuse you! I gave you advantage and scared one of them off!”

“Yeah, maybe, but I did all the damage!”

“You did not!” Peridot snarled. “Just because I didn’t hit it doesn’t mean I didn’t  _ hurt _ it!!”

Jasper rolled her eyes and crouched to start going through the other bag.

“Right, sure. Cop-out.”

Peridot straightened up.

“Really? You wanna bet? You really gonna test me like that?”

Jasper raised an eyebrow before leaning in closer.

“Prove it, brat.”

“You’re a stubborn, reckless fuckwith who wouldn’t know caution or moderation if it fisted you in the ass.”

Jasper let out a yelp and fell backwards, ass hitting the frozen ground hard.

“What the FUCK.”

“Bard.”

_ “What the fuck.” _

_ “Bard.” _

Peridot grinned and snickered, a soft  _ nyehehe _ that she didn’t bother to conceal.

“Next time you see me yelling at something, remember that.”

“Yeah, yeah,” Jasper mumbled as she dug through the other pack. “Hey, food.”

“Yeah, but not much money.” Peridot fished out a jingling pouch and tipped a handful of coins into her palm, then shuffled them back in. “We’re gonna have to ration the food and be frugal until…” she paused. Sighed. “I dunno. I don’t know why we’re here of how to get home.”

The realization hit her all at once and she teared up.

“Fuck, what if we’re stuck here--”

“Quitcher crying,” Jasper grunted, pointedly looking away. Was that a little blush on her cheeks, or was it just cold? Were those tears?

Peridot sniffled and scrubbed at her eyes with a sleeve, grateful at least that she hadn’t started full-on sobbing again.

“Sh-shut up,” she hiccuped. Jasper shrugged.

“It’s not gonna get us anywhere anyhow. Your weird nerd world got some like inter-dimensional portal or someshit what might take us home?”

Peridot furrowed her brow and searched her memories.

“...no. But we may be able to get back if, like, we earn the favor of a god or some powerful wizard… like, ninth-level spel powerful.”

Jasper rolled her eyes.

“Might as well ask Santa Claus, for all the good that’d do us.”

Something  _ clicked _ in Peridot’s mind and she leaped to her feet.

“That’s it! Greatfather Winter!”

Jasper was looking at her like she was crazy, but Peridot was practically oblivious to it as she chewed on the side of her thumb and considered the possibility.

Greatfather Winter had magic and was much easier to get ahold of than A Literal Deity… plus, her whole schtick was generosity. And they were definitely close to his workshop--it was positively frigid out, as she was becoming more and more aware of as her adrenaline wore off and gave way to exhaustion.

“Yeah, we’re gonna go get Greatfather Winter to help us out.”

“...I was kidding, Peri.”

“Yeah but like, it’s a valid plan. We just… need to… figure out which way we gotta go. Where the fuck are we,” Peridot murmured, more statement than question.

“Bumfuck nowhere,” Jasper sighed.

Peridot continued chewing on the side of her thumb as she tried to figure out some way to find where, exactly, they were.

Her gaze fell on the Player’s Handbook and she shrugged. That may have a map, who knows. If not, they were just in the same place they’d been before she went looking.

She flipped through the blank pages until one of them started filling with ink. Squinting, she pushed her glasses up the bridge of her nose with her free hand.

It was, indeed, a map. The whole of Lethys was drawn across the pages in tiny, but painstaking, detail.

She located Mountainsfoot, then the cliff on the fringe of the mountain range where Greatfather Winter’s workshop would be.

One thing down. Good.

Now, where were--

A green dot and an orange dot faded in on the page and she started. Okay. So it reads her mind. That’s not creepy at all.

At least they knew where they were now.

She repacked the smaller bag and grabbed the smaller bedroll to attach to it, then snatched up the dirk before Jasper could get her hands on it and stuck it in her belt. She stood and slung the pack over her shoulder.

“You’re carrying the tent. You’re  _ way _ bigger than me.”

“I- what?” Jasper seemed Very Confused. “Why are we going- did you figure something out?”

Peridot turned the handbook around and tapped roughly where she thought their dots were, unable to see from her current angle.

“Fantasy GPS. Let’s go. We’re looking at probably three hours of walking to get there.”

Jasper heaved a great sigh and pushed herself to her feet as well. It was only a few moments’ work to get both the bedroll and tent onto her bag, and then she was ready to go as well, staff in hand.

“You better know what you’re doing.”

“I have no idea what I’m doing. I don’t have a script for ‘dumped unceremoniously in my fantasy world and killed gruesomely multiple times,’ so I’m kinda running blind here.” Peridot turned and started walking with a sigh, watching their dots to make sure she was headed in the right direction.

Luckily, it was the  _ opposite _ direction from where the second chillhound had bolted.

Peridot didn’t look back to see if Jasper followed her, though- she didn’t have to. Jasper caught up in moments and then passed her with effortless strides of long, powerful legs.

So she picked up the pace to keep up. And sped up again. And again.

Before long, she was jogging to stay just behind Jasper, panting softly. This halfling shit was ridiculous--

“Hey. Hey fuck you and your freakishly long legs. Slow down before my heart explodes,” Peridot griped. Jasper paused and half-turned to look at her. It gave Peridot a chance to catch up, but instead of adjusting her pace, Jasper went back to walking with a smug, lopsided grin on her face.

“H-hey! Hey, asshole, I know you heard me! Stop being a pain!” Peridot sped up again. “I can’t keep this up! I have tiny legs!”

“Sounds like a personal problem to me,” Jasper’s voice drifted back to her. She gritted her teeth.

“Listen, cockwaffle, if you don’t set a pace I can keep, I’ll piss your pants.”

“You’ll who my what now?” Jasper seemed genuinely confused.

“Piss. Your pants. I can do it. I have the magic. Don’t make me use it.”

The spell in particular was Prestidigitation, which allowed her to clean or soil one cubic foot of material. Clean  _ or soil. _

“How in the hell- no, better yet,  _ why the fuck would you do that.” _

“You’ll walk slower with half-froze whizz on your crotch,” Peridot said with a snicker.

“You’re disgusting.”

“And you’re about as appealing as shitting dicknipples.”

_ “What is wrong with you?” _

“I’m cold and tired and you’re making my lungs hurt and I wanna fuckin’ go home already!!” Peridot snarled, then deflated with a sigh. “This is just weird, is all.”

Jasper shrugged.

“So we find a way to get home. If plan A doesn’t work out, we go to plan B. We don’t give up.  _ I _ won’t give up. Besides, as cool as it is to shoot fire, I need to know who wins  _ The Great British Baking Show, _ and something tells me TV isn’t real big around here.”

Peridot snorted. Okay, that wasn’t half bad. Hell, it was almost endearing.

But Jasper was still a fucking asshole, even if she  _ did, _ apparently, like baking competitions.

Jasper finally relented and slowed to a more manageable pace, and the rest of the walk was uneventful, the both of them deep in their own thoughts for most of it.

Peridot’s feet hurt. She was used to standing for work, but walking on rough, snowy ground was… different.

Also, she was cold. She couldn’t feel her nose. The metal of her glasses was frigid on her face.

The pack grew steadily heavier as they walked, and she kept shifting it around anxiously.

She check the map again, relieved to see how close they were.

“We’re right on it. Well, maybe a couple more minutes, but the trees should empty out into a clearing at the base of a cliff. His workshop is like a small village for his workers to live in, and then the workshop itself is cut into the cliff. Or… should be. Assuming this  _ is _ my world.”

“If it’s your world, can’t you just magic us home or something?”

Peridot paused mid-stride. Furrowed her brow. She hadn’t even  _ thought _ of that.

After briefly considering how it might work, she closed her eyes and thought  _ really hard _ about going home.  _ Being _ home.

When she opened her eyes, nothing had changed except for Jasper, who had apparently kept walking without her and was new several yards ahead.

She let out an exasperated sound and jogged to catch up.

“Didn’t work?”

“Didn’t work.”

“Fuckin’ useless.”

“Eat my entire ass, Jasper.”

“Small as you are, I could do it in one bite.”

Peridot let out a frustrated  _ “Ugh!” _ and started walking faster just to get away from the annoying asshole.

After a moment, though, she checked the map and grinned.

“Sweet, it should be right around this bend!” She took off jogging, relief and excitement speeding her tired feet, but pulled up short at the edge of the trees. “Oh… oh,  _ fuck.” _


End file.
